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If Twitter were television

Dave Chappelle once did a bit called "If the Internet Was a Real Place." It turns out that in Dave Chappelle's world, the Internet is a big mall, and some of the music stores in that mall offer 99 cent songs and others offer free songs. Everybody likes the free songs much better. And Ron Jeremy is apparently pretty popular too.

Anyway, I started noodling about Twitter this morning, and it reminded me of that bit. I'm not sure why I connected those two mental islands together. I don't think there are a lot of parallels between Twitter and the real world, because — well, it's Twitter. Probably the closest thing to Twitter in the real world is television. That works pretty well, and since I'm not a huge fan of either, here we go....

  • All the shows would be under thirty seconds in length.
  • You would watch hundreds, or thousands, of shows at once.
  • Really popular shows would have the most people watching. And people would only watch the really popular shows.
  • The ultimate goal of every show would be to go into reruns.
  • Most shows' entire existence would be a guy saying, "Hey, I thought I'd see what this television thing was all about."
  • Some shows' entire purpose would be to name as many other shows as possible.
  • There would still be lots of commercials.
  • There would be funny abbreviations everywhere (RT, @, #) and you would be expected to immediately comprehend them.
  • Shows which talk about #tigerblood and #winning would become inexplicably popular overnight.
  • Sometimes people from two different shows would communicate with each other, and it would be hailed as revolutionary.

By the way, each of those bullet points is 140 characters or fewer — so feel free to tweet any of them. If you dare.

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