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Quitting - first day (again)

I always forget how hard this is... the quitting. Most of the time, it's fine. Certain parts of the day are pure hell. And right now is one of those. I keep wandering out onto the front porch, just standing there, looking around, coming back inside. There are physical, mental, psychological components to this habit.

I always forget the changes your body goes through. I'm dead tired and ready for bed, though I am staying up to watch Letterman's confession tonight. My mouth is a bit dry, I've developed an odd cough, and my throat feels weird. Yeah, just weird. I have no other word for it.

My mind is scattered, it's hard to concentrate, and generally speaking, I've been in a mental fog most of the day. That eventually passes, and I can't remember how long it takes. At some point, the mind snaps back into place as it gets used to its altered chemistry, altered in this sense meaning "what it should have been all along." And, at some point I'll start having crazy dreams, one of the side effects of the patch, and the one side effect I actually enjoy.

At some point, it all gets easier. I remember the first few days being the hardest, and that hasn't changed. I also remember trying this another time without any patches or anything. It was a hundred times worse. I've gotten through this part before, and I'll get through it this time. At some point, things turn around and some positives start showing up... the sense of smell returns when you never noticed its absence, for example. Same thing for the sense of taste. An increased energy level. The ability to breathe better. I've experienced these phenomena myself, so I know they're not just words, not bullshit.

But most of all, I don't want anyone spending their time watching me struggle to breathe. Life should be enjoyed, and this is something I can do to prolong that enjoyment. Hopefully if I can make it through the next few days, it will finally stick this time.

Posted October 1, 2009 @ 23:17:43 EDT. 0 comments.